The Pucker Factor

There comes a time in everyone's life when the Pucker Factor comes into play. What's the Pucker Factor, you ask? It's a term used by fighter pilots when they're in an intense, close in dogfight. The fear factor of such an encounter makes your rear sphincter tighten up, or pucker. So when the Pucker Factor hits, it's not a good thing.

The Pucker Factor hit me today, for today was the day I saw the oral surgeon to have some teeth removed to get my mouth ready for braces. I've been a little anxious the past couple of days knowing this was coming, but nothing along the lines of panic attacks I've had in the past. Afterall, I told myself, I had my impacted third molars removed ten years ago, and while not a painless experience, an experience that wasn't all too bad.

When my alarm clock went off at 5:30 this morning I have to admit was I far more calm about the prospect of oral surgery than I was when I woke up the morning when my wife and I were married three years ago. This calmness was enhanced around 10 a.m. when I took the Xanax the oral surgeon gave me to help me relax. And boy oh boy did it do its duty, and quite admirably I might add. By the time I got to the dentist's office I was feeling pretty damned good. They could have removed my head and I don't think I would have cared.

I didn't have to wait long before they called me in, and my wife and I walked back to one of their OR rooms, which was a little bigger than the usual dentists exam room but with equipment you don't usually see in a typical exam room. I got comfortable in the chair as the chair side tech hooked me up to the EKG machine, stuck me with an IV, and did some lab panels. Having woken up this morning with my sinuses draining I took along a Breathe Right strip to put on my nose to help me breathe through my nose. I love those things.

Without warning, the tech injected the medication to put me to sleep. Or at least I think she did. The Xanax had relaxed me so much it's possible I fell asleep on my own before she hit me with her own nighty-night time drug cocktail.

When I had my third molars taken out ten years ago, I came to during the procedure for a few seconds. I was aware enough to see that I had surgical draping over my face, and the dentist was using a tool to break my left molar so he could remove it. I thought, "How long is this going to take?", and then I fell asleep again. The fear that the same thing would happen this time weighed heavily on my mind. And it did, but it was more enjoyable this time. At some point during the procedure this morning I did come to, but not to the point where was I awake. I was aware that there was work going on in my mouth, but instead of opening my eyes and see a surgical cloth, my eyes remained closed and I had one of the most freaky hallucinations I've ever had. LSD is nothing I've ever dabbled in but I've known people who have. But I imagine what my brain was experiencing was the closest to an acid-induced hallucination that I'll ever experience. Colors and shapes of all kinds set to the backdrop of oral surgery was kind of freaky yet oh so very cool at the same time. I think Jerry Garcia's life flashed before my eyes.

Post-procedure I woke up a few times, the last time around 2 p.m. I recall my wife standing over me asking me questions. Sorry, honey, but I've just had four teeth removed from my skull? Will there be a better time today to ask me questions? But she was just trying to gauge how far I was out of the anesthesia. Before I knew it I was being helped to the car, both of them, as I was seriously seeing two of everything at this point. And, voila! The whole experience with the surgery was over.

So now I sit here in my living room, typing this, having slept for three or four hours this afternoon, a little sore but nothing too bad, chewing on discolored gauze pads, and an ice pack draped across my face to reduce swelling while making me look like a poor man's Santa Claus. To keep me from getting too anxious this week I kept telling myself by this time on Friday it'll all be over. Well, it's all over now, and I'm glad the work is done as I'm all out of third molars. Geez I'm sleepy.